Demotivators

MOTIVATIONAL PRODUCTS DON'T WORK. BUT OUR DEMOTIVATOR® PRODUCTS DON'T WORK EVEN BETTER.

When we started Despair, we had a dream. To crush other people's dreams. But we knew, given our goal, we'd be in for a fight. After all, the Motivation Industry has been crushing dreams for decades, selling the easy lie of success you can buy. That's why we decided to differentiate ourselves- by crushing dreams with hard truths!

Destiny-Explore

Born too late to explore the world, born too early to explore the stars, born right on time to explore unemployment thanks to A.I.

Pass the Buck

Confession may be good for the soul, but blameshifting will keep you employed longer.

Nostalgia

If things were truly getting better all the time, it wouldn't hurt so much to remember how they used to be.

Resentment

When you've been through so much together, and most of it was their fault.

Skepticism

Losing-Track

Failure is the greatest teacher, and we're learning so much just by watching you.

Recognition-Rush

If you will just appreciate me now, you can avoid the oncoming rush.

Cooperation

The bigger the team, the lazier the effort.

Consensus

Kept the authorities from admitting that the earth revolves around the sun for over 300 years.

Security

Don't worry - your job is way too dehumanizing for us to ever ask a robot to do it.

Compromise

Let's agree to respect each others views, no matter how wrong yours may be.

Intimidation

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. But you'd be a fool to withhold that from your superiors.

Letting Go

It takes courage to let go of the things you can't change. Consider that a warning.

Leaders-Burden

Our burden is to take bold, dramatic actions. Should those fail, your burden is to suffer bold, dramatic consequences.

Cutbacks

Those who demand we all do more with less somehow always end up on the more side of the ledger.

Quality

The race for quality has no finish line, so technically, it's more like a death march

Longevity

The most effective tool in keeping me healthy has been my overwhelming distrust of doctors.

Immaturity

The problem isn't that we look down on you, the problem is that you need to grow up.

Peer Review

A rigorous process through which often dubious ideas gain broad scientific consensus before becoming unquestionable dogma.

Doubt

A man never stands so tall as when he stoops to tell a child, "There's no way you can do that - no freaking way."

Compromise-Meet

Meet me halfway. You need the exercise.

Stupidity

Quitters never win, winners never quit, but those who never win and never quit are idiots.

Success

If you wake up early, work hard, and never give up, your dreams can come true if you're born rich.

Destiny-Soar

Some are destined to soar on the wings of eagles while being torn apart by beaks and talons.

Collaborate

So the best of us have to carry the rest of us.

Denial

I refuse to contort my reality to accommodate your total lack thereof.

Solutions

This is what happens when problem solvers get paid by the hour.

Dysfunction-Government

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Government is how we implement those ideas at scale.

Independence

In light of the total absence of leadership, I've decided to follow myself.

Indoctrination

There is no idea so ridiculous that you can't find a professor teaching future generations to believe it.

Instinct

When we told you to follow your instincts, we didn't know yours were to create obstacles all the time.

Tolerance

Confidence

If you believe in yourself firmly enough, you can attempt not just the difficult, but even the truly ridiculous.

Risktaking

The pain you feel today will be the strength you feel tomorrow. Or you could die from it. It's hard to know with these things sometimes.

Sincerity

Our customers won't care how much we know until they know how much we care, so we've had to get really good at faking both.

Innovation-Vacuum

We regret to inform you that the flying cars we promised aren't feasible, but we do hope you'll enjoy the spying vacuums.

Sensitivity

Be advised - I failed the training.

Conspiracy

Never attribute to stupidity that which can be adequately explained by a pathological bloodlust for control.

Dystopia

The road to hell is paved with good intentions, and now they’re bringing it right to my driveway and taxing me for it.

Disorganization

My life is complicated enough already without trying to introduce organization into it.

Attitude

If you can’t handle me at my worst, you deserve to know it’s also my best.

Frustration

When all else fails, look to the healing power of brute force.

Go Away

Your absence would make my heart grow fonder.

Gratitude

Don’t blame us for cutting you down, thank us for giving you new chances for growth.

Media

What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies right to our faces.

Narcissism

The greatest self-esteem problem of our time is that too many have too much of it.

Believe

Don’t let anyone tell you that dreams can’t come true; my life’s turned into a long, waking nightmare.

Complacency

Because certain things are worth fighting for, in a certain way, up to a certain point.

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Demotivators

MOTIVATIONAL PRODUCTS DON'T WORK. BUT OUR DEMOTIVATOR® PRODUCTS DON'T WORK EVEN BETTER.

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